Arg!

I hate when I really want something, and the entire universe just seems to be yelling back at me,

"NO!"

Just me.

While I was in Florida, I decided I really wanted to buy my dad a mug from Starbucks (you know the kind that you can write on like a blackboard).

So I went to the cashier to pay, and he commented on how another woman had been there earlier that evening looking for that same mug, and how I must have the last one in the store. I grinned at him and told him, "well, if she comes back, you can tell her I told her she can 'suck it!'."

Both of the boys working there laughed and told me that if they could give out customer of the day awards, I'd be getting a free beverage right about then.

It made me smile that just being me makes other people laugh.

I spend a whole lot of my life feeling like I'm making great progress towards being a better person.

Then sometimes I realize how much farther I have to go until I am one.

I'm seriously start to worry that I can't trust anyone.

Not like, "woe is me my life is so hard I have issues with my parents that reflect on everyone I meet."

But like, I feel like whenever I start to get especially close to someone, they give me a reason to back away. This ranges from blatant dishonesty to downright malicious behavior.
I haven't had trouble with people like this in years.

I wonder what the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this is. I hope I figure it out soon so thing can go back to normal.

I think I just archived scheduling Nirvana. I have 19 credit hours next semester, with no classes on Monday or Friday.

I've never been so excited for a semester of school in my entire life. I have lots of new adventures planned for my weekly four day weekends like...

Hiking to the top of Mollies Nipple in Hurricane, Utah.

Skiing in the Rockies with my cousins.

Of course my life isnt complete without a bi-annual trip to Capitol Reef

And who knows what other adventures life is bound to bring me, all I know is that it doesn't get any better then this, so I might as well enjoy it!

Not sospecial

I'm not unique.
And I'm not special on a level where I'm completely irreplaceable.

And neither is anyone else.

I love that about being human.

Feeling unique is so lonely to me, and honestly, pretty darn self-centered. I don't understand how some people can go about their entire lives thinking that no one else had ever or will ever be anything like them. I like finding people who are just like me.

I find lots of people like me, but I'd been feeling especially standoffish this week. Except today, on my run I ran into an old friend, who was also just getting back into running, who loves to do the same stuff as me, and when they invited me in for a drink of water, they had the same favorite mug as me.

That to me was more special than all of that stuff by myself.

Fresh

Since this last semester at UVU started I've felt pretty darn good. I'm doing well in classes (with the exception of my first international relations exam, actually I just felt like I did bad, I don't know for certain yet), reading new books, running faster and further than I have in years, I'm a better climber than I remember being (that still isn't very good), and I've just been having fun making new friends and going on new adventures. I can honestly say I have no complaints about my life.

On that note, I've always felt like I was a happy person. Seriously.

However, This last weekend made me rethink my life. So my life hasn't been fair (whose has?), people have wronged me, and I've been hard on myself for the mistakes I've made. Like really hard. I was talking to my mom Thursday night, just telling stories about my past and I started crying. It hit the point were I was at a full on meltdown. I know how many people say this, but I almost never cry anymore. It made me realize how close I was holding the past to myself, not just the big stuff, I hadn't let go of anything. I had forgiven other people, but never myself. I punish myself on a regular basis. Not like, I'm into self mutilation, eating disorders or anything freaky like that. I've just kept myself from enjoying things I loved growing up.

Okay, now onto the resolution. I realized I've been killing myself on an emotional level. I needed to let go, so I'm starting. Everytime I have a negative thought about myself or anyone else I forgive it. Either out loud when I'm alone, or in my mind when I'm around people. If I keep having a destructive thought, I keep forgiving it.

3 days into my new project, I'm not feeling quite as hot as I have, but it's getting better.

Sorry if you were checking in to find out about my latest advenure, but I think this is a pretty cool. I know this is different... I'm not very in touch with my emotions, so I don't talk or write about them. Honestly I may never do it again. But I'd like you to know, either way, I won't hold it against myself.

The remedy for a salty day

I have a few ideas..

A float in an inner tube down rock springs
A late night Beto's run
A long walk in my woods
A plane ride west
The smell of rain in the desert
A Red Cliffs burger
Icy water in my face
Curling up with a good book
To smell like poo after a long day of honest work
A view that takes my breath away
Paul, my jeep
Listening to an old playlist
A new favorite animated movie
A letter from a friend
Sending postcards
Riding my bike until I want to die
A night hike under a full moon
A new dress for easter
Rolling down a sandy hill
and
A hug from my mom :)

Straight Trippin'

I will be in Utah in a month and I have not even remotely started planning my extra curricular summer adventures. I will get on that in the next month.

They will be so good.

Also my parents are getting me an Easter dress this year, yay! I can't wait for it to get here, it's so pretty :)

Sun on Monday!

I am obsessed with pretty scarves right now. Target has a lot, and I wish I was rich, so I could buy lots of them. -> http://www.target.com/Scarves-Wraps-Handbags-Accessories/b/ref=sc_iw_r_12_1/188-3582964-1717523?node=370226011
I have a lacy, cream colored one I wear all the time, I LOVE it.

Also, I'm having one of those weeks were I feel like I know everyone. Not really, but like, a lot of people. Just enough to be well informed ;)

Also, I want to make cashew chicken for the sister missionaries this week. I think they'll like that!

Winter Doledrums

Today, I had a terrible realization as I was getting dressed for church. My clothes were much tighter than I remember them being at the beginning of winter. At first I blamed the season, saying "Oh, you just need to cut back on the v-day goodness after today." But as I thought I remembered I used to run at least 4 days a week, whereas lately I hardly get out once. I used to climb 3 days a week through the fall, and now I totally skimp on my upperbody workouts.

I don't even do yoga anymore.

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to make a Valentines day resolution. From this day forth I will start my days by jogging, not checking my email. I will stop eating twice what I need and most importantly, I will be good about drinking a gallon of water a day. It won't be easy to go back to healthy living, but it will be worth it to have a body I'm not embarrassed about.

Also, I can say 13 phrases in Thai now. Exciting stuff!

alotalot of nothing

I practiced my Thai today. I now know 13 phrases. I have a feeling my accent is terrible. I'll get second opinion I also looked up moving to Alaska. I feel like everything in Alaska is a hardcore version of stuff here. Maybe that's why Chris McCandless wanted to go there so bad.

I briefly considered applying for a job there as a rafting guide. But I remeber reading how bad misquotes get there in the summer. Like you have to take vitamin b tablets to deter them. And bathe in deet. Then I realized the water was freezing there, and if I fell in, I'd get hypothermia. And I'd have to wear a dry-suit. Which means I would not get a tan. So I decided against it. But look, that's a legit iceberg those people are rafting next to! Crazy stuff.

I need to take my EMT test within the next month. I also need to start studying that again so I can pass the test.

Destination Dedication!

I want to learn Thai. So when I finally go on my adventure great big whitewater to New Zealand, I can stop by Thailand for a while; and buy food there, like green papaya salad (which is delish). Also, I want to go to the Thai new years festival, because it's a week long nation wide water fight. Which is the most epic thin I can fathom in my mind. (also I hear the climbing there is sa-weet!)

So I looked it up online and found the website
http://www.byki.com/
It's pretty cool, you can download language learning tools. I'll probably have to go to a class or live there to really learn, but it's a step in the right direction.

I also want to learn Spanish and Italian. So I can live in Chile and go on to Italy where I follow the book Agony and the Ecstasy and see all Michelangelo's works. (And run around Verona pretending I'm Juliet.)

Cooking Class

Today I learned how to make yummy thai food :9

It makes me want to learn new languages and travel.